By fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters. From Green Egg, Issue 95 (Yule 1991) p. 21.

The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was turned into a  weasel for lying  to Juno; and  Eris, both Goddess  and Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE.

This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:
"I don't believe anything unless I want to. My mind is subject to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can do without my socks. Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."

Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:
A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
The nearest operational refrigerator
Dirty Socks
Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
The Golden Apple of Eris
Silk Top hat.

In order to be initiated into the Weasel Tradition, a new berserker must:
- Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.- Acquire your tools in a somewhat less-than-entirely-scrupulous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
                          - Sacrifice a Sock to Galanthus. It must be a good Sock, one you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in your possession.
- Bake some holy Fhood, with Weasel Help, which includes raisins and chocolate chips.
- Write a ritual containing at least three things which are obviously or blatantly lifted, word for word, from somewhere else. Anywhere else.
 - Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:

The Weasel Help Song:
Everyone needs Weasel help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help
Everyone needs Weasel help,
to get them through the day!
I don't need no Weasel Help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
I don't need no Weasel Help,
no matter what you say!

The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.

A Weasel Wiccan Witual

Participants in floppy witch hats enter, bearing the Holy Fhood and Drinkh. Arrange tastefully around altar area. Prominent should be the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.

Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion invocations:

EAST, being Air, signifies media and mass communications. Invite the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre,  Douglas Adams, and Robert  Anton Wilson, and, of course, the Illuminati, as representatives of Chaos.
(Squeeze squeaky toys)


SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelity to ideals. I suggest John Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave, but luckier.

(Hide the Matches.)


WEST, for Water, signifies here the Waters of Life, ie: Bhooze. Invite  W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine and beer, respectively.)

(Slug some eggnog.)


NORTH, for Earth, signifies the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the Universe and Everything. Toast the Mystery itself and invite it to relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)

                    And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother, Lady Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up the Golden Apple, hail Her  enthusiastically and invite Her to the party.

Close the Circle, which is, of course, semi-permeable to weasel-kind.

                    Light altar candle; assume *ahem* serious demeanour. Whoever is to read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestment. Proceed:

"For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, Loki, Raven, Dionysius, and Robin Hood; to save us all from Santa's power when we have come to play, o tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is his Mother a Virgin, for She believeth in a good time. And when He came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and cradled him in her top  hat, which holdeth all the stars of all the skies plus 50 foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it."

And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son:
"Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"

And the Tiny One spoke, surprising all but the Mother of the Unexpected:
"Let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and demented animal of all to play with. And since I have a feeling that this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make  that a rule: anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch and the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises - which will never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honour of Me."

And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).
"This is the Sacred Weasel, beloved little monster, honoured pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May it always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."

(Hold up plate of cookies:) "This is the Holy Fhood; we share it in Their names, and with the wish that we should always keep Life as interesting and strange as possible."

(Hold up Holy Bhooze:) "This is the Holy Spiked Eggnog; we share in with the understanding that reality can always use a little bending."
Share all, general hailing, toasts, silliness, woozlesnoozling, tricks and demonstration of weasel arranging. Guard honoured guests of all species from overindulging in  and/or diving into eggnog. Songs excellent idea.

Open circle whenever you feel like it.

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